How to create more intimacy in your relationship
Part one
This is part one of a two part post on intimacy. This week I’m going to cover emotional, experimental and spiritual intimacy which if you start putting it into practise should create a solid foundation and wet your appetite a little or a lot for part two where I will cover how to cultivate more sexual intimacy in your relationship.
You can’t have intimacy without vulnerability. To be in a close, authentic, intimate relationship with someone is to let them see and feel you deeply. You have to be willing to be naked in body, mind and soul.
In order to create this depth of love you have to let your partner know your dreams, your core wounds, your most intimate aspirations, desires and what makes you shake with fear, excitement, pleasure and pain.
And you need to be willing to discover and know them in the same way.
There is risk here, it takes a huge amount of courage to be this vulnerable to trust and allow another human in who could hurt, humiliate, reject or abandon our fragile hearts.
We can only be as intimate as we can be authentic and transparent with who we are. We can only trust another as much as we trust ourselves.
Intimacy is not just sex, it’s also dreaming together about hopes, goals and plans for the future. Intimacy doesn’t have to be big, grand gestures of love, it’s about connecting your heart with theirs. It’s about showing up, being curious, committing to love and presence.
See the secret to mind blowing sexual intimacy is to put more effort towards mind blowing emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy comes from partners making the effort to find each other.
We live such busy lives here in the western world. Our nervous systems are often over stimulated, over tired and under nourished. The rising cost of living means that often both partners are working and probably over worked, most of us are not living within a close community so villageless parenting means that unless we have the support of nearby family we have little or no childcare available to sneak off with our partner for a night or two of passion.
All this along with the ups and downs of everyday life are not exactly a recipe for long days and even longer nights of Sting style tantric love making marathons.
Despite years of study dedicated to tantra, meditation and conscious relating my partner and I also fell into the “tired trap”.
After our youngest son was born we found it very hard to find the space and time to dedicate to our intimate relationship, often by the end of the day we’d both be so exhausted from working and looking after a baby we’d fall into bed at 9pm very much in love but seriously under fucked and missing some of the vital emotional intimacy goal posts.
We had to do something before this became the norm as it does in so many relationships.
Fortunately for us we had the strength of our love and commitment to growing together as fuel to make a change.
And who doesn’t want to make a change when the reward is a deeper bond with your partner, more pleasure, emotional and sexual intimacy and a healthier relationship to ones sexuality?
The good news is you don’t have to commit to days and weeks of tantric meditations, expensive retreats and courses, read the karma sutra or go out and buy a whole new set of sex toys (although if you have the time and money to do all these things they can certainly help).
Commitment to making a change, a few small adjustments to your schedule, mindset and communication style are all it takes to bring about a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship.
Over a decade working as a Shamanic practitioner, sacred sexual healer, intimacy coach and lover I have seen and experienced enough to have come up with a few tricks and tips to help you strengthen the bond between you and your beloved.
Starting with one very mundane but essential ingredient.
- Regular Scheduling. Now whether that is an evening right after the kids are in bed, wrangling a week day off of work once a month or a weekend away or all of the above, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s regular and a minimum of 3 hours at a time of dedicated, uninterrupted, sacred, one on one time with your partner at least twice a month. Block it out in your diaries and make that time together a priority.
- Plan weekly or monthly surprise dates and take turns to plan these out in creative and unpredictable ways for each other. EG. A spa day, Couples massage, a long walk in the woods, a sexy games night, an art project, a dance class etc
- Daily 20 second hug. The way to happiness is Hugging and kissing someone we are close to. It releases the love and happiness hormone oxytocin which is known to build trust and connection. Also studies have proven it’s role as natures antidepressant. Use gentle, soothing and loving touch daily, even if its only in passing as you go about your busy day. Let your partner know that you desire and adore them as often as possible.
- The 6 second kiss. According to the worlds leading researcher of marriage and relationships Dr John Gottman, sharing a daily 6 second kiss with your partner increases relationship health and happiness. He recommends 6 seconds because its long enough to feel romantic and make a moment of real connection with your partner.
- Going to bed at the same time and keeping phones out of the bedroom. Couples with mismatched sleep routines report more conflict, less sex and conversation. Making an effort to go to bed at the same time and without distractions naturally encourages intimacy.
- Weekly and monthly check in’s. One of the first (and ongoing) things I suggest for my couples clients are these scheduled check-ins. This is a great opportunity for you both to Practise communication skills
- Learn about each other on a deeper level
- Create opportunity to promote safety and nurturance in your dynamic
- Ensuring needs are being met and preventing the risk of resentments forming if they aren’t being met.
- Learning specifically what your partner wants and needs (helps to take the mind reading expectations away!).
For weekly check in’s Some questions you can ask are.
- What has been on your mind lately?
- How has _____ been going for you?
- What was the best part of your week and why?
- What was the most difficult part of your week?
- What did you need to feel supported through that struggle?
- What is your favourite thing we did together this week?
- Did you experience any triggers or overwhelm this week?
- What can I do to support you In those type of situations?
- What is something you are currently feeling excited about?
- What is taking up the most headspace right now?
For monthly check in’s some questions you can ask are.
- What are your life dreams and how can I support you in meeting them?
- In what ways have you grown and changed over the past few years?
- What are some of your goals for this year?
- What would you like to experience more of in our relationship?
- What makes you feel more appreciated?
- Is there something that you miss that we used to do?
- Do you feel that we are emotionally and physically connected? If not how can we connect?
- How can we stay close while we are facing this?
- How do you think we are evolving together?
- How can we stay close while we are facing difficulty’s?
- When do you feel closest to me?
- What adventure would you like to do in the next few months?
- What is one thing you wish I would compliment you more on?
- What would you like to experience more in our relationship?
- What’s one thing you absolutely hate doing?
- What is your greatest accomplishment?
- What gets in the way of you showing your authentic self?
- If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
- How would you like to be remembered/
- Make more eye contact. Research has shown that oxytocin is released after 30-60 seconds of eye contact. Oxytocin has an inverse relationship with the stress hormone cortisol which means the more oxytocin flowing through our bodies the less stressed we feel. Gaze into your partners eyes as they are telling you about their day, before you embrace, while making love. Make space for the vulnerability that may arise for you both, it might be tears, sadness, discomfort or other feelings. Be patient, compassionate and enjoy the exploration with your partner.
Try this exercise
- Sit in a comfortable position facing one another
- Take a few moments to breathe deeply and tune into your awareness of your body.
- Set a time for an agreed-upon time. 11 minutes is a great place to start, but if that feels too long start with 6 or 2 minutes.
- Gaze into your partners eyes. Notice that you are seeing and being seen.
- If you get distracted that’s ok, just bring your focus back to your partner.
- When the timer goes off, grab a piece of paper and write a few words about your feelings.
- Take a few moments to share your experience in words with your partner.
Breathing exercises for couples. the power of breath is immense, and these exercises can truly enhance your intimacy as a couple. By sharing these mindful moments, you'll strengthen your connection, foster mutual understanding, and create a safe space for vulnerability. So, take a deep breath and embark on this journey together!
Try this exercise
Sit or lie down facing each other, close enough to feel your partners presence. Take a few moments to settle into a comfortable position. Start by placing your hand on each others hearts, feeling the warmth and connection. Now, synchronise your breaths by inhaling deeply together, feeling your chest rise and exhaling slowly in unison. As you continue this rhythmic breathing, imagine love and positive energy flowing between your hearts, strengthening your emotional connection. This exercise not only helps align your breath, it also creates a deep sense of trust and intimacy.
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Have a bath together. My partner and I have been using the bath as our safe space to have difficult conversations, heart based sharing and weekly check ins for years. There’s something about being completely naked and vulnerable with the one you love while sitting in warm, cleansing water which encourages openness, connection and relaxation.
Try a tantric bathing ritual
A Tantric bath is a cleansing and healing ritual for your entire body. The best part? It aims to relieve stress, clear the mind, and make you feel extremely orgasmic throughout your whole being.
Here’s a list of the ingredients you’ll need:
- Bath salts, sea salts are ideal. Magnesium absorbs through the skin and relaxes your muscles.
- Essential oils. You can buy ones with particular properties. (Patchouli, rose, and ylang ylang are great for relaxation and to release worries).
- Rose petals (if possible).
- Bubble bath for popping bubbles (choose a nurturing scent, like honey and vanilla).
- Massage oil. Jojoba and sweet almond are lovely.
- Candles for the perfect flickering candlelight.
- A bath filled with warm water (not too hot or cold).
- Relaxation music - instrumentals are ideal.
- Your hands!
There should be one giver while the other receives the bath. (You can switch this around on another day.)
Lead your lover to the bathtub. Have them lay comfortably while you sit alongside them outside of the tub (unless you have a very big tub)!
You want to touch every place you can reach, on the outside of their body, but also the inside. This is where deep breathing comes in.
Use your hands and the massage oils over every part of their skin. Start massaging their shoulders, neck, chest, hands, feet, legs, inner thighs… all areas, even their temples, gently. Try a variety of massage movement techniques. But, don’t touch their genitalia directly. Remember, the goal isn’t orgasm or sex. It’s relaxation. A pleasurable massage. Life and the world are stressful, but this moment is all about calming the inner spirit of your beloved.
Invite your lover to synch with your breath…
Lead them through deep breathing by inhaling deeply yourself and reminding them to do the same. Touch them where you want them to pull the air too. Pay attention to the heart center (chest), ribs, and stomach area.
Shower them with affirmations of love and adoration.
Once you have massaged their entire body, gently and slowly wash them, starting from their head right down to the soles of their feet.
Once they have had a long soak and are ready to leave the bathroom, dry them with a fluffy towel and lead them to the bedroom to relax and integrate the blissful feelings you have ignited.
Note: there should be no expectation of anything in return from the giver who should be in a place of love and service to their partner.
- Emotional turn ons
- Being able to cry while your partner witness’s you without feeling like they need to “fix” anything
- Falling asleep in one another’s arms
- Your partner being the first person you call to share exciting news with
- Sharing vulnerably about pains from the past and how it impacted you or continues to impact you
- Self - awareness, Owing your mistakes, taking responsibility for getting it wrong, apologising, being forgiven and expressing how you will show up differently in the future
- Engaging in play together, being childlike, silly and having fun
- Having deep and connected conversations and sharing a depth of yourself the rest of the world doesn’t get to see
- Staying safe for each other while having hard conversations
- Consistently showing up even when its hard
- Sitting with each other in the difficult emotions
- Being kind to one another when you are in conflict
- Genuinely working to understand the others point of view
- Always having each others backs and never speaking ill of your partner to others
- Creating more opportunities for adventure and new experiences
- A willingness to openly express your own wants and needs
- Providing physical touch without any expectation of “more”
- Demonstrating patience and grace when they mess up
- Asking for their opinion and support on a current life stressor
- Expressing opinions and worldviews that might differ
Disclaimer: This is not referring to situations of abuse. If you are in the U.K. and suspect you might be in an abusive relationship or fear for your safety please do contact National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 24/7 service: 0808 2000 247.
- Mahi Wolf
